Friday, May 27, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
"Oh, yeah, my cousin's husband had one of those about 5 years ago. Haven't had a baby since!"
"I knew a guy who had one and then had sex, a lot of sex, never slipped one past the goalie!"
Because lately everyone has been telling me the story of the vasectomy that didn't work. Are these stories true or getting exaggerated down the line? The nurse at my 6 week said she knew someone who had twins after her husband's vasectomy.
Are the birth horror stories you tell pregnant ladies now replaced with oops baby stories when you're done having kids?
Saturday, May 21, 2011
I tend to forget things didn't work with one kid might work with the others. Last week as I was struggling to hang up the diapers with one hand with an unhappy Piper, I weighed it out in my head and figured I would be faster with two hands, and the less cruel option was to set her down for a short amount of time even if she was upset. The big girls weren't real fans of the swing, but I have it as my downstairs option. I set her down in the shade a voila, she was perfectly content watching the laundry in the wind (I'm sure my neighbors are less amused...)
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Well, despite the fact I live not too far from where I grew up, I have a whole whopping two friends I ever do things with regularly. And, now my friend Michele is moving away. So, I am feeling sorry for myself. So, now what I am supposed to do fancy parenting magazine advice-giver? I am officially down a friend without kids now. She isn't moving to the moon, but I have no shortage of friends that live over an hour away.
It's kind of a bummer. Not to be vain, but I have always had a lot of friends. I am kind of lazy to make new friends, and I feel kind of like an outsider. It seems like all the cloth-diapering, greenliving, AP mommas around here like to knit, homeschool/unschool and breastfeed (don't, won't, and can't respectively). Even though I seem kind of crunchy to my friends, I am not crunchy enough to fit into the crunchy crowd. And then I feel guilty about it.
My yogurt making attempts have failed; I buy it from the store. Then I feel guilty for spending money on yogurt.
I will probably put Frontline on my dog. Then, I feel bad about the chemicals.
Seriously, I don't even know what kefir is. So chances are we won't be eating it, drinking it, or making it at home anytime soon.
I barely have it together as it is. I was late dropping the girls off AND picking them up from their playschool today. I ran into the mayor (former boss) and looked about as unkempt as possible. There was dried spit up on the baby carrier which was hanging open while I held the baby with spit up coming out of her mouth. And, that's what I hope people were looking at versus my crazy hair and casual, dated outfit.
I didn't fit in at City Hall, either.
So, am I destined to be the weird-o at library story hour trying to make friends? Maybe it's for the best since I spend most of my time chasing kids that I don't have time for making new friends anyway. How sad is that?
Friday, May 13, 2011
Later in the week, this guy brings his wife over while I am gone. He wants to show her some of Bob's treasures. Bob says she is disinterested at best. I'm like, of course she is. Most women don't put up with your nonsense. They don't like the guys that give their husbands dumb ideas or encourage them to buy stuff. And they really don't like wives like me who let that crap fly.
See, mom, I am a catch!
I told her she could wear a fancy dress for the baptism on Sunday. She requested the one she wore on her third birthday. She has a memory far superior to her father's!
That being said, the girl asks some dumb questions. All day long.
Whoever came up with the adage "there's no such thing as a dumb question" wasn't spending the bulk of their time with a three year old.
"Does Ariel have teeth?"
"Yes, mermaids have teeth just like people."
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
So, I am making my own list of ways my family messes with me:
1. Babies pooping right after a bath. C'mon, Piper, I just cleaned out all those crevices, must you fill it with runny baby poo? Usually, it is a as Bob would say an "ass-plosion."
2. Pooping right after I changed the garbage can or cleaned the diaper pail.
3. Forgetting how to swallow, right after I have changed your clothes. Do you like milk in your neck, Piper? Does a damp spot on your sleeper remind you of the wet womb?
4. Showing interest in sitting on the toilet only at nap and bedtime. Guilty, Macy. Yeah, you're cute, but this is not cute.
5. Deciding you want in the house at inopportune times. Kids in bathtub? Settling down for a nap? Bark, Bark, that sounds like Lincoln's bark. Crap.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
This is a snippet of a conversation we had with our first admirer:
Stranger: "What's her name?"
Stranger [incredulous voice]: "Is that her given name?!?"
Me: "ummm, yeah"
[pregnant, awkward pause]
Me: "Well, her middle name is Jane. So, she can use that, if she wants something more traditional."
Stranger: "Yeah, Piper can be her nickname. Piper [chuckle, chuckle as if to insinuate that is the strangest combination of letters anyone has ever thrown together]
It doesn't happen often, but I was at a loss for words. What does one say to someone who has the gall to suggest you use your child's name as their nickname?